I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
