Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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