There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
