At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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