but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
