There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
