It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
