I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
