I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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