Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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