Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
