i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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