By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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