I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
