you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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