Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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