I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
