Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
