Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
