i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
