We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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