don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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