What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
