Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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