Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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