You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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