i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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