my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
