i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
