Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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