my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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