Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
