I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I still have a little drunk in my system
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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