I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
