Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
