So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So much Jack, so little girl.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
