So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
