I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
