My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
