We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
