Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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