What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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