Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
