I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
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