the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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