I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize