Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
