R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
