Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
