there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
