Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Pants are for mortals
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
