I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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