He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
