She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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