I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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