Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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