And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
