I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
